


Hold on when you get love

by Pilventekija



Category: Hatoful Kareshi | Hatoful Boyfriend
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Bullying, Depression relapse, Getting Together, Getting better together!, M/M, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts, quail boyfriends, shrine au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-04
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-10-22 07:30:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17658590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pilventekija/pseuds/Pilventekija
Summary: “No one is useless.”Uzune's tone was very firm. His hands stopped moving for a moment.“It doesn't matter if you can't work, or go to school. You are needed, in your own way.”In what way was Kazuaki needed? No one cared about him. He didn't understand. But he wanted it so badly, his heart was breaking.Am I needed by you, Uzune?





	1. Chapter 1

The light was running out behind the blinds when Kazuaki sat in the teacher’s room after school. He’d been instructed to take care of some of the backlog of homework he had, under loose supervision of the teacher grading his class’ tests. It had been the last idea they had come up with, so Kazuaki would be able to keep up.

He was feeling rather uneasy in the stuffy room. Itwas meant for teachers, not for students like him. It didn’t matter that he had been invited in, he was still feeling guilty. On top of that, sitting still for so long made him feel cold. He was shivering even with four layers of clothing.

Thankfully only the math was left for today, since Kazuaki was doing far better in literature. He weeped in silence over the task, which he couldn’t figure out because he had skipped the lesson, but he was too ashamed to bother the teacher by asking for help.

He was wringing his hands in distress by a corner table when one of the teaching assistants pushed the door open and entered with a pile of papers.

“Here's everything you asked for.” He placed them on a cluttered desk.

“Oh, thank you, Uzune. What about the survey?” The teacher asked. He was the one responsible for Kazuaki’s homeroom, an old pelican who he was a bit scared of.

“I'll be done with it by tomorrow.”

Uzune, on the other hand, was bright as always. He stood straight even after a long day without so much as yawn. Kazuaki had watched him many times from afar. He was a bit scary, too, because he was so… unattainable, in a way. One of those people who could make everything look easy, and never get tired. Who had their lives together. Kazuaki tried to shrink in his chair and hoped they wouldn't heed him.

He stared at his papers, which was covered in pathetic scribbles, and then peeked at the clock: he had been told that he was free to leave at 5, but there was still a quarter of an hour left. Kazuaki felt miserable just thinking about sitting here for so long. Feeling bored, he rolled his pen on the table and overheard the others’ conversation, the only sound in the room.

“More importantly, how have you been lately?” the teacher asked.

“I'm fine, thank you. It's much more quiet, though,” Uzune said politely.

“I can believe that. It’ll take some time to get used to living alone.”

“I don’t mind it. I can stay longer to help out now, too, when I’m not taking care of my brother.”

Kazuaki's pen had stopped. He'd never thought about Uzune's life, but if he had, he'd probably thought that Uzune lived in a big house with a big family. He just seemed like that kind of guy.

But… alone? If Kazuaki hadn't been sitting down already, he would've had to, because his knees were suddenly weak.

So Uzune was alone, too. Just like Kazuaki.

Maybe they could be friends?

He would know what it feels like. Uzune had said it was quiet in his house, did it mean he was lonely? Just like Kazuaki!

Kazuaki's imagination clung to the idea and ran with it. Without nothing else to do, he started to think about how nice it would be to share a room with a friend. To talk a bit about his day. To eat together. He could keep Uzune company. That way he wouldn't be lonely.

The more he thought about it, the better it sounded and the louder his heart was pounding. He heard its beat rush in his ears and he wasn’t cold anymore at all.

“Hey. It’s Nanaki, right? How are you doing?”

Kazuaki startled so bad he almost fell off of his chair. He opened his mouth to speak, but didn't know what he was going to say, and the only thing that escaped was a high-pitched yelp. He hoped he would evaporate on the spot.

While Kazuaki was daydreaming, Uzune had appeared next to him, maybe because the teacher had asked him toor just because he was still playing the role of a teaching assistant. He was leaning on the table to see his progress, his head right next to Kazuaki's.

“It looks like you don't get this, right? Do you want me to explain it to you?”

Uzune had warm eyes and their color reminded Kazuaki of brownies, just like his hair. He wasn't sickly pale like Kazuaki was, and his gestures were really precise. He was so attentive. Kazuaki stared at his dark eyelashes and bobbed his head up and down, mouth hanging open.

Oh no. Uzune was really beautiful. Oh no… How hadn’t he ever noticed?

Kazuaki tried hard not to stare at his face and listen to his tutoring, but the effort was in vain. The only thing he learned was that Uzune had a very pleasant voice. Soft, but clear.

Only up close Kazuaki could see the dark patches under his eyes. Uzune didn't sound like it, but he looked more than a little tired. Kazuaki's heart leaped. He felt fellowship towards him, deep longing he'd never experienced before. It didn't matter he'd never talked to him and knew nothing about him.

_Uzune is not perfect and scary! He gets tired too! He’s like me!!_

There was a fateful moment when Kazuaki readied to reach out. He'd say something, and Uzune would understand him, he'd understand him right away because they were similar, they were meant to be-

“You didn’t hear a word I said, did you?” Uzune asked.

Kazuaki blushed crimson till the tips of his ears.

“I..! I really tried..!” he stammered in panic.

“It's okay. It’s late already. Let's try our best again tomorrow, shall we?” Uzune sighed, but there was a small smile on his face.

_Oh… Uzune is also… a kind person._

 

Every day was the same. Kazuaki was tired. He was tired when he woke up, when he had to get out of bed, when he was sitting in class and when he was sitting at home. He was so tired of everything. Why could no one see he couldn't do this alone?

He just wanted to give up. Go back home, go back to the time when he was little, when he had no care in the world.

No, even then, life was a scary place. There were always other birds who teased him, or laughed at him, and those who just didn't care. Kazuaki is sure that no one has ever cared about him. He's always been in this place, in the darkness, scared and alone.

Kazuaki wishes that he'd never hatched at all. If he'd never been hatched he could've died without knowing this awful place, without any pain or fear.

There was always something that society wanted from him. So many expectations and responsibilities. No matter how hard he tried, nothing he did was enough. He failed at everything, even at being a proper person. Why was it so important, to be able to wake up early? To be able to work… Was he worth anything if he couldn't do it?

Kazuaki was scared of the expectations and the responsibilities. He wanted to hide and not try at all. He wanted to stay in his bed, under the blanket, but he knew his teacher would call if he didn't show up. He would pester Kazuaki about his unfinished homework and ask about his absences. He'd done it before, that was the reason why Kazuaki had been in the teacher's room yesterday.

Now Kazuaki was afraid of his phone ringing, too. He had muted it and hidden it in the kitchen drawer that was filled with spoons.

He was too tired of trying to deal with everything. He'd been thinking about giving up for a long time now. He thought that maybe someday he'd be so tired he would just fall asleep and not wake up anymore.

Yes, that would be nice. Everything would be easier if he just died.

The thought had been so innocent at first, but soon it became a mantra, something he clung onto like he was dying right now. It comforted him, to know that there was a way, the pain would be gone, he would be free. The thought helped him through when his anxiety spiked.

_I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. Just let me die._

It must have been past noon already. Kazuaki was still in his bed, wrapped in the cocoon of blankets. Just like that, another school day would slip past him. He wasn't sure if he cared or not. He wondered if the teacher had called. He was too scared to look into the drawer. _(But how could he eat cereal without a spoon?)_

Tears streamed down Kazuaki's face and dripped onto his blanket, making it damp. He didn't want to go to school. He'd been there yesterday, he wasn't strong enough to do it again so soon. The feeling of guilt was tearing his little heart apart nonetheless.

Why he couldn't just die… What was stopping him? It wasn't like there would be anyone missing him, anyway. Especially not from school…

_“Let's try our best again tomorrow, too.”_

A picture of a smiling face flashed in his mind. Uzune.

Uzune had been nothing but kind to him. Even when he spaced out and was too dumb to do math. Uzune hadn't judged him. He hadn't given him a pitying look or gotten mad at him. He'd just smiled at him and cheered him up.

_“Shall we?”_

It had sounded like a promise. Kazuaki couldn't remember if he'd nodded or said anything to him after that, but nevertheless, Uzune had trusted him. What on earth he was doing?

Kazuaki rubbed his face on the blankets and flipped them away. He yelped when his bare feet hit the cold floor but this time, it didn't stop him from dashing to the bathroom.

He hadn't brushed his hair for a while again, and at this point it was kind of impossible to tame the matted curls. He brushed his teeth instead and went looking for something clean enough to wear. If he hurried, he could still make it to the afternoon classes. 

What would Kazuaki do with himself if he let Uzune down now? He would hate himself so much he’d actually die, he was sure of it. Not the only person who’d been nice to him..!

He didn’t have anything clean to wear, but he picked out something anyway and wrapped a scarf on top of it all. The autumn chill had only started to set in, but he was always shivering. What classes did he have today? What books did he need? Kazuaki picked up every school book that lay abandoned on the coffee table, stuffed them in a backpack and flew out of the door.

The best thing was, if he managed to get to school, he could buy food from cafeteria!

 

By the time he reached the school, the spike of adrenaline had vanished and the usual anxiety was creeping back to his mind. It made his hands shaky and stomach upset but he’d made up his mind and he was going to do what he’d decided to do.

Which was to go to class. Kazuaki stared intently at the clock and tried to decipher from his timetable which class it was exactly. It seemed that he was twenty-five minutes late from English. He was so bad at English! He couldn't remember the last time he’d attended that course. On top of that, the English teacher was a foreign sparrow and she was so scary!

Kazuaki shivered from fear in the middle of school hallway. It would be far too embarrassing to go in now! What if she asked where he’d been? Or wanted to see his homework? He wasn’t sure if English textbook was one of those he’d grabbed with him…

The route of his nervous spacing consisted of a few circles and then subconsciously brought him in front of the right door. He froze in place the instant he realized.

_I want to die!! I’d rather die than do this!!_

But what if Uzune was there? That was the whole point of going, right? Teaching assistants helped around whichever class they were needed most at the moment. So even if Kazuaki couldn’t know 100%, the chance was 50/50, right? That was a good chance... 

(And if Uzune was there, how disappointed he’d be if Kazuaki didn’t show up at all!!)

Making a leap in the dark, Kazuaki knocked on the door. He only had to stand still while screaming inside his head for a couple of seconds before the teacher opened it. She was a small woman with round glasses who always dressed in green.

“P-pardon my intrusion! I’m sorry I’m late,” Kazuaki muttered. He hunched his shoulders under her scrutinizing gaze and wished he wasn’t so tall.

“Just take a seat, Nanaki,” she said and dismissed him with a flick of a hand. He ducked his head and hurried to claim one of the few free seats in the back of the room. She continued the class like nothing had happened.

Heart beating in his chest, Kazuaki tried to look around as inconspicuously as possible. There were almost thirty students on their desks but besides teacher… no one was standing. Not by the back wall either, he was sure of it.

Uzune wasn't there. After going through so much hardship for nothing, the disappointment was crushing. He shouldn't have hoped so much in the first place. He was so stupid.

The trembling of hands that had begun from nervousness now turned into full-body shaking as Kazuaki kept his head down and cried.

 

The anxiety doubled by the time the lesson ended and Kazuaki had to decide what to do next. There were two voices arguing in his head: one that said he wanted to give up and go home and the other that insisted he should do one thing properly even once in his life! Uzune could attend the next class, he wouldn’t know. The word _disappoint disappoint disappoint_ hammered in his head until he forced himself to the next class with the flow of other students.

Uzune wasn’t there, either. But it wasn’t too bad otherwise, since it was classics and books never intimidated Kazuaki the same way numbers and foreigners did. The teacher was his homeroom teacher and even if Kazuaki was nervous around older people, the pelican had showed some understanding to him before. So he wasn’t like, actively dying while sitting there. He even learned something, maybe?

It was still discouraging. Kazuaki felt so pathetic and sad and embarrassed after this trainwreck of a day, and he just wanted to bury himself into a hole and never come out again. He had no more classes today, so going home was the only option for him anyway. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to get up tomorrow. Probably not.

Kazuaki stared at the ground as he dragged his feet towards the exit. He wondered if he needed to go grocery shopping later today, but just thinking about it was exhausting. He turned around the corner and saw someone else’s feet walking towards him.

“Hello, Nanaki. I’m glad to see you.”

Kazuaki snapped his head up at the speed of light.

Uzune was carrying what looked like a box of lab equipment. He was going somewhere, doing his own duties, yet he stopped by Kazuaki. A blush spread on Kazuaki’s face like wildfire.

“I-I’m glad to see you, too!” he exclaimed before thinking. It felt like his heart was bursting with emotion.

Uzune laughed. He always had that polite smile on his face, but when Kazuaki was looking at him, his eyes narrowed with mirth and he huffed through his nose.

“Keep up the good work.”

He reached to pat Kazuaki on the shoulder as he walked by. Kazuaki forgot how to breathe. He stood there, reeling, long after Uzune was gone.

_He remembered. Uzune remembered our promise. He said “good work…”_

Kazuaki promised he'd never skip a lesson again. He’d start going to school properly again. Uzune trusted him!! New-found motivation filled him with energy and grand plans for future. Kazuaki would stop being lazy! From now on, he'd do his best to make Uzune proud!!

The next day, he forgot to set up his alarm and woke up in the afternoon.


	2. Chapter 2

Despite the rough start, Kazuaki really started trying his best again. It wasn’t much, but at least he tried to go to school everyday, even if it was just for one class. If there was a possibility of seeing Uzune, that was enough of a motivator to get out of bed.

Of course, it wasn't good enough. Kazuaki had been absent more times than he was present, and showing up now didn’t help the fact that he was falling behind. It was hard. His hands were shaking all the time, and he couldn’t concentrate on what his teachers were saying to him. He was so anxious that he couldn't eat. The whole effort was hopeless, really. But what else could he do? He didn’t want to stay alone in his apartment anymore.

Kazuaki stared intently at his timetable, which he still hadn’t memorized. He wasn’t sure what classes he had today, he should’ve checked it beforehand… It was still morning, only ten o’clock, and being out and about this early was a victory in itself. (Nothing actually noteworthy, of course. He was hardly able to meet the minimum standards of an average life.)

Finally he deciphered that he had math first, and noted he was on the wrong side of the school again. _Better hurry, then._ Uzune was super skilled at math so there was a good chance he'd be there. The thought lifted Kazuaki’s spirits, and his fatigue didn't feel as crushing anymore.

The hallway next to the chemistry classroom was empty apart from a couple of students loitering. Kazuaki didn't remember them, but thought he'd seen them a few times before. They could share a class with him for all he knew. He was passing by them when one of the two, a jackdaw, stepped in front of him to block his path.

“What do you think you are doing?” he stared intently at Kazuaki. Kazuaki opened his mouth, dumbfounded. Shouldn't he be the one to ask that? The tone of the jackdaw’s voice made the little hairs on the back of his neck stand up and fear crawl down his back.

Suddenly the jackdaw grabbed a hold of the front of Kazuaki's sweater and pushed him against the wall with a loud thud.

“Too stupid to say anything, huh?” the jackdaw snarled at him.

His grip was painful and Kazuaki had hit the back of his head on the wall, but what hurt the most was the disgusted look the jackdaw gave him. Fear forced all his systems to shut down, he couldn't move or speak.

“You're seriously pissing me off. I'm sick of seeing your ugly face around here. You're too pathetic to even look at.”

The words were the same as the ones he heard in his head every day. The malice was the same, it made his fingers numb.

“You should've just stayed at home. Can you do me a favor? Keep out of my sight.” He emphasized his words by tightening his grip.

Kazuaki was starting to become lightheaded. It felt like he was going to faint. His thoughts were slipping away from him, he couldn't think of anything. His knees were trembling. The other student just laughed as he watched his companion threaten Kazuaki.

“Hey, stop that.”

Someone else was talking. The hand pushing Kazuaki against the wall left and the jackdaw stepped away. But Kazuaki's legs didn't have enough strength left to keep him upright, and he slid down onto the floor.

“What? We were just talking.”

Kazuaki’s heart rate was off the charts. His vision had become blurry, he didn't know what was going on anymore.

“Let’s go. We're done here.”

They left. _Did they really leave? What was that about? What did I do to anger them?_ His breathing was shallow and quick like he couldn't get enough air, and he didn't know why he was crying. It was just too much. Everything was too much.

“Are you with me, Nanaki?”

Only then did his brain register who had saved him. Uzune was crouching next to him and peering at his face. He had a box of calculators on the floor, he was probably going to Kazuaki’s math class. Kazuaki threw his hands in front of his face, he didn't want Uzune to see him like this. He clenched his teeth but couldn't stop crying. Why was it so hard? Why couldn't he just stop?

“It's okay. Can you take a deep breath for me?” Uzune muttered.

His voice was very soft and calm. Kazuaki tried to do as he asked, he really tried. But his lungs burned and embarrassing sounds didn't stop slipping from his throat and now his nose was running and everything was awful.

“Take your time. Everything’s alright now.”

He felt a light touch on his knee. When he peeked out from behind his palms, he saw Uzune handing him a tissue. Why did he have to be so kind? He should be grossed out by now. Why would he ever want to spend a second with a pathetic loser like Kazuaki?

But Uzune stayed. Kazuaki wiped his face and when his breathing started to even out, Uzune climbed to his feet.

“I've been thinking,” he said. “You need special attention if you'll ever be able to pass your courses. I have some free time on my hands. What do you think?”

Kazuaki blew his nose. “About what?” he croaked.

“I could tutor you one-on-one a few times before the exams.”

Kazuaki wasn't sure if he was hearing this right. If he was understanding it right. His attention shifted away from how miserable he was feeling without him noticing.

“Me? W-why?” _Why would he do that? For me???_

“As I said, I’m not busy right now, so I could. You might agree that you could use some help.”

Kazuaki thought about it and blinked furiously to chase away the new set of tears threatening to spill over. His heart was beating for different reasons now as he imagined spending time with Uzune.

“Okay,” he whispered. _It’d be lovely. It’d be more than I ever hoped for._

“Good.” Uzune patted him on the head. “If you’re not feeling well, please go to the nurse’s office. Otherwise, we should get going; we’re late for class.”

He picked up the box and started walking away. Kazuaki didn’t even think about it. He scrambled to his feet and ran after him.

 

The following weeks they planned a study session in the library at least once a week. The first time they had met up for it, Kazuaki had been so nervous he hadn’t known what to do with himself and had ended up being half an hour ahead of time. His nerves hadn't eased until he’d seen Uzune smiling at him. Kazuaki felt like Uzune appreciated his effort, but he couldn’t be sure.

The library was quite big and there was always at least a couple of other students there. Kazuaki had never studied there before because it made him so anxious, but Uzune had the skill to catch his attention and help him focus on the task at hand. Uzune made him forget about the other students and everything else around them. With him, time just slipped by.

Seeing Uzune was the highlight of his days. It was so worth the effort every time, even when it was hard. Uzune reminded Kazuaki of all the problems he’d been trying hard to ignore. He made him do all the exercises he was avoiding. But he helped him with them, too. With Uzune, even big projects like a German literature report didn’t feel as scary anymore. Uzune told him which courses he’d already failed by not attending and removed them from his schedule. After a while, studying didn’t feel as overwhelming as it had before. Kazuaki wasn’t sinking anymore. He was hanging on again. 

The best thing was that Uzune never gave up on him. He would say things like “you’re so good at poetry” and “you can do this if you believe in yourself just a little more.” Kazuaki had never had anyone telling him those things. He wanted to believe Uzune and wanted to prove that he was worthy of Uzune’s trust. He didn’t know what he’d done to deserve it, but he was going to try his best.

Even though the relationship was going to be temporary from the beginning and Kazuaki _knew it,_ he couldn’t help but to cling on to those bright moments. Even though he _knew_ Uzune was just doing his job, his head was filled with hopes and dreams.

 

One day, Uzune invited him over for a study session. Kazuaki had never been to his house, and he found it hard to imagine what kind of place it’d be. (He also didn’t know what to make of the invitation: did it _mean_ something?) Uzune promised they’d walk together, even before Kazuaki expressed doubts about finding his way there on his own.

The sky was heavy that day. Of course Kazuaki didn’t notice it in the morning, the coolness in the air and the gray clouds in the sky. It started raining just after he’d reached the school and was waiting for Uzune at their meeting place by the front doors.

Panic rose in Kazuaki’s mind as he watched water dripping from the eaves above him. He didn’t have an umbrella, but Uzune was coming soon. He couldn’t run back to his house and get one now, could he? No, and then he would get wet! He couldn’t go to Uzune’s place if he was soaked! And he couldn’t leave Uzune waiting-!

“There you are. Oh, look at that.” Uzune said as he stepped outside and noticed the rainfall, which was getting heavier by the minute.

“I-I forgot-!” Kazuaki tried to say, but Uzune had already guessed what was wrong from the look on his face.

“Your umbrella, right? Well, it started very suddenly… I have one, do you think we’ll be okay with that?” he asked.

“I’m sorry,” Kazuaki squeaked, tears prickling at the corners of his eyes.

“There’s nothing to apologize for. I’m sorry that I don’t have a spare one,” Uzune said as he opened his umbrella. He had his coat and scarf on, bag tucked under one arm. He held the umbrella for him.

“Do you mind?” he looked at Kazuaki.

Not-so-secretly dying from embarrassment, Kazuaki nodded, then shook his head instead, and stepped next to Uzune under his black umbrella. He had to hunch to fit underneath it and Uzune adjusted by raising his arm higher. It was kind of very dysfunctional and Kazuaki was sure his outermost shoulder was getting wet, but his proximity to Uzune made Kazuaki’s heart sing.

_Thank you rain!!_

Kazuaki pressed his bag against his chest and stared at the ground, trying to match his steps to Uzune’s shorter ones.

They walked to a nearby bus stop and Uzune paid the fee for two. The umbrella was folded at his feet when they sat side by side in the humid warmth of the vehicle. Kazuaki was wringing his hands again, but what he felt in his stomach was more butterflies than anxiety now. Uzune was staring out the window, at the falling rain and water running down the glass.

“I think you’re the first person to visit after Nageki moved out,” he said. Kazuaki wasn’t sure what to make out of that, so he just tilted his head curiously.

“Your friends… Don’t your friends visit you?” he asked.

Uzune let out a laugh that sounded more like a sigh than anything. Kazuaki didn’t ask him again.

 

The apartment was bigger than Kazuaki’s dorm room. It had a separated bedroom and walking past the open door Kazuaki saw there was a bunk bed, two desks and two office chairs. The furniture served as a reminder of the absence of the other person.

Uzune left him sitting in the living room floor and said he was going to make tea for them. Kazuaki looked around trying to take in every detail. There wasn’t much to see, no posters or distinctive objects that would tell him more about their owner. The place was very plain but it had a homely feeling to it. Kazuaki stretched his legs under the coffee table and wondered what would it be like to live here.

He thought he’d prefer to live here to his own apartment... 

Hanging out with Uzune was always nice, but today Kazuaki felt happier than ever. He thought Uzune seemed more relaxed, too. The comment about him being the first visitor in ages still puzzled him. It made him feel special somehow.

Being happy didn’t make homework any easier, though. Kazuaki had gotten better at math within these weeks, but there was still a long way to go. Uzune was patient with him, but strict, too. “There’s nothing to cry about,” he’d say and make him do the same exercise over and over again until he got the right answer.

It was peaceful when they were both engrossed in their own work. Uzune was writing his report on the other side of the table. Kazuaki would steal glances at him every once in a while. Uzune looked so handsome when he concentrated. Kazuaki’s mind wandered from the numbers to anything else, his pencil scribbled stars and hearts on the bottom of the page. After a while he peeked again and saw that Uzune was done already. He had piled his papers in a neat pile and was leaning his head on his elbow. Kazuaki slowly raised his gaze higher. Uzune was watching him with a calm, thoughtful expression. Startled, Kazuaki ducked his head and blushed. Suddenly he was very interested in his homework again.

“Say, Nanaki…” Uzune began after a moment, “are you sleeping well?”

Kazuaki lifted his head.

“I think so..?” he said. It wasn’t like he had problems with sleeping. He fell asleep easily whenever and could sleep excessive amount of hours, too. But wasn’t that question a bit random?

“At what time you go to bed normally?” Uzune asked another random question. He wasn’t meeting Kazuaki’s eyes but looking down at his hands on the table instead.

“...Late?” Kazuaki offered. He cringed when he thought about all those meant-to-be-quick gaming sessions that had stretched until small hours. His sleeping schedule was irregular at best. “Why are you asking?”

Uzune scratched the back of his neck.

“I suppose I’m just wondering how you are doing,” he said.

There was something off about him, but Kazuaki couldn’t distinguish what it was. Then it hit him. Uzune was feeling _awkward._ That was new. Kazuaki didn’t know what to do with that information. He gaped at him in amazement, then remembered what had been said.

“Oh, I’m fine, thank you,” he said. He wasn’t going to go into detail about his pathetic day-to-day life. “What about y-?”

He snapped his mouth shut. Uzune was now looking at him, and he had the most disappointed look on his face as possible. His brows were furrowed, lips drawn into a thin line. Kazuaki almost bolted.

_What did I do wrong?!?!_

Perhaps Uzune saw the panic on Kazuaki’s face, because he lowered his gaze and let out a deep sigh.

“It’s okay. We’ll work on that,” he muttered.

Kazuaki stared at him bewildered, but Uzune was looking down at his papers again. Kazuaki didn’t understand what he’d said wrong. Did Uzune think he was lying? But he hadn't. He had had a few good days this week, so relatively he was doing _great._

“Let’s take a break,” Uzune stated and rose to his feet. With that, he indicated that they were done with that conversation.

 

Instead of the library, Uzune suggested they would meet in his place again next week. Kazuaki had nothing against it, of course. He tried very hard not to imagine anything unnecessary.

_It's just more conventional. It doesn't mean anything!!!_

He couldn’t help that it made him feel special. Like, maybe, he mattered to Uzune… in some way. It was better to stop that dangerous train of thought right there.

Actually, they never went back to the library after that. Kazuaki was happy, not because he’d hated studying in the library, but because Uzune was more comfortable at home. The change wasn’t anything that could be seen, but something about the way he talked. He fell quiet more often and was softer around the edges. Kazuaki felt warmth in his chest, and for once he was grateful of his lack of presence. He was glad he wasn’t bothering Uzune.

Uzune gave him his number, so they could reschedule their plans if they ever needed to. Kazuaki would mark his calendar with a red pen and add a little heart if he dared. Then he just waited and tried to cope with the other days of the week. At night when he wasn’t sleepy he would stare at Uzune’s number and wonder what would happen if he texted him. He imagined all the things he would write to him.

_So this is how it feels to have a friend..._

 

The best day of the week had come again. Kazuaki sat on his legs on the floor by the low table and scribbled in the margins of his notes. It was a bad habit he'd picked up and used during classes, because if his pencil was moving, he could fool the teacher and himself that he was being productive. Sometimes he got too caught up in it, though.

There were already a lot of hearts, a few round quails and many differently shaped gems. Gems were nice to draw because they were angular and it was hard to screw them up. He drew a castle made of blocks on top of each other and then added a crown on one of the quails. Now it was a kingdom!

“Do we need a break here?” Uzune asked and set a tray with two cups of tea on the table. Kazuaki jumped and slipped the notebook on his lap to hide it.

“No! I'm fine!” he chirped. Uzune hadn't sounded exasperated but now he gave him a dirty look.

“Don't tell me that,” he said. “It’s okay to have a break.”

Kazuaki stared at the steaming cup on the table. He didn't know what to say to that. Uzune sat on the floor, seemingly unbothered by the awkward silence. He warmed his hands around his cup. After a moment of stealing shy glances Kazuaki picked up his notebook from under the table and continued. His drawing wasn't ready yet. The birds of the kingdom needed houses to live, so he scribbled wonky blocks around the castle.

He was so immersed in the hypothetical life of his little world he missed Uzune's lingering gaze.

“Nanaki,” he said softly and got him to raise his head. “Can I brush your hair?”

“Huh?” Kazuaki wondered if he’d heard him right. “What?”

“Your hair… I assume you’re avoiding it because it’s too troublesome by now. I promise I can do it so it won’t hurt,” Uzune said and looked at him with so much sincerity that it made Kazuaki blush.

“Um…” he started and only blushed deeper when the words started to sink in. He knew his head was an awful mess after weeks without proper care and it made him embarrassed to think Uzune had noticed.

“I know it’s a bit weird but it’s been bothering me, so… Please, Nanaki?” Uzune pleaded.

“No, no, of course you c-can… if you really w-want to…” Kazuaki stammered and stared intently at the table while the warmth in his face spread all the way to his collarbones. Just the thought of Uzune’s hands in his hair made him alarmed enough that he was about to faint.

“Thank you,” Uzune said and sprang to his feet to fetch a brush.

When he got back Kazuaki hadn’t yet to recover, but complied when Uzune signalled for him to come closer. He dragged a chair from the kitchen and asked Kazuaki to sat in front of it. That way his head would be at the right height for him to work when he sat on the chair. Kazuaki put his palms on his face (his neck was red as well) when Uzune settled behind him, his knees on both sides of Kazuaki’s shoulders. Kazuaki was sure his heartbeat was so loud Uzune would be able to hear it.

“Lift your chin, please,” Uzune asked and Kazuaki reluctantly obeyed. At least Uzune couldn’t see his face from this angle. He jumped when he felt fingers in his hair.

“Don’t worry, it’s not as bad as I thought,” Uzune muttered after inspecting the tangles.

Kazuaki felt when he picked up a lump of matted hair and started to work it out. He tensed his shoulders anticipating pain, which never came. The only one who’d ever combed his hair besides himself was his mother, and he remembered a lot more pulling. Somehow Uzune was… gentler.

_It feels nice… But why does he want to do it..?_

Kazuaki wasn’t sure if this was something friends did. Uzune’s reasons were a mystery until suddenly it dawned on him.

_Ah, so I really am so pathetic even Uzune can’t stand it. I can’t even take care of myself and now he has to do it._

The shame Kazuaki always carried became unbearable when he thought how he must look in Uzune’s eyes. Uzune tried his best to help but Kazuaki was still nothing more than a burden to him. Uzune genuinely wished for him to stand on his own feet but Kazuaki could never match his expectations because he was so fundamentally incapable of being anything but a loser! He couldn’t even brush his own hair and now he’s basically forced his own responsibilities to Uzune! The way his touch was so gentle and the way it felt so nice made Kazuaki feel even worse.

He wrung his hands, which were growing cold, as tears welled in his eyes.

“I’m… I’m sorry you have to do it for me,” he choked. Uzune’s hands paused for a moment before continuing.

“What? No, I really don’t mind.” He used his hands skillfully to keep the hair in place so the pull wouldn’t be too bad. “Actually, well, I used to take care of my little siblings a lot. So I’ve had practice.”

He laughed softly, it was just a single breath. Kazuaki’s heart jumped. He hadn’t heard that sound for weeks. He was so astounded he forgot all about his insecurities. Uzune had never mentioned his family before. His voice was so warm, so fond, and suddenly he was talking more.

“I even know how to make pigtails and braids and whatever the girls asked from me. They loved it when I brushed their hair. Whenever we went to a trip of some sort, I got to do a braid or two. Nageki would never let me, though.”

No wonder his technique felt so efficient, like he’d done it before. Kazuaki tried to picture Uzune surrounded with little girls, but it was way too cute to visualize. He’d never seen Uzune with kids, but he could imagine he was a fantastic big brother. If Kazuaki had a brother like Uzune, he’d never move away from him for sure.

“I remember once, Nageki had fallen asleep with a book again and Momo made him little braids, one on either side of his face. He was so cute! He wanted to take them off right away but after I begged him enough, he agreed to keep them until dinner…” Uzune’s voice faded away, like he’d realized that he’d said too much.

Kazuaki waited for him to continue, but as seconds went by he became afraid that Uzune wouldn’t say anything more. Only slight tugging told him that Uzune was still there. Kazuaki wondered why Uzune talked about his family members in the past tense, but didn’t dare to ask.

“It’s been a while,” Uzune said, so quiet Kazuaki barely heard, even though he sat right in front of him.

Uzune set the brush down and ran his fingers along Kazuaki’s scalp through fluffy curls. It set his nerves alight and colored his face deep red.

“All done,” Uzune stated. “Your hair is so soft, Nanaki.”

Kazuaki nodded frantically and hid his face behind his palms again. Uzune would be the death of him if he kept touching him so casually. His neck and shoulders tingled for a good five minutes afterwards.

 

When Kazuaki was making his leave on the door, Uzune said:

“You know, you can call me if you ever need to. I’m not busy, so…”

Kazuaki wasn’t sure what “if he needed to” meant. What kind of situation would that be…? It would be nice to talk on the phone, though. Like they were friends. Uzune’s consideration made Kazuaki’s heart swell. He was so happy it was bittersweet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _What do I do when I get lonely?_   
>  _What do I do?_   
>  _Hold on when you get love_   
>  _and let go when you give it._
> 
> The title is from a song by Stars
> 
> Only few days until 3/3, Kazuaki's birthday!!<3 I have so many plans, let's say this chapter is an early present too lol

**Author's Note:**

> This is a Legumentine's gift for @centimofu ! I hope you like it <3 I also want to thank @solsikkefroe for betaing, I couldn't have done it without your help!


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